How to Keep Criticism From Crushing You

Have you ever felt as if no matter how hard you try, you can’t win? Let me let you in on a little secret, it’s true. You can’t win with everyone because you can’t please everyone. I’m not saying this to discourage you, but to free you.

Case and point. Jesus says, “John came fasting and they called him crazy. I came feasting and they called me a lush, a friend of the riffraff. Opinion polls don’t count for much, do they?” (Matthew 11:19 MSG) John never said, “The people don’t think I eat enough food, so I’m going to head on over to chipotle and order everything in sight!” Jesus didn’t pendulum swing based on feedback from the peanut gallery and say, “Enough with the feasting. The crowd doesn’t like it. I’m going on a hunger strike!” No. John continued to fast. Jesus continued to feast. They remained true to what they were called to in that moment.

“You can’t win with everyone because you can’t please everyone.”

Repeat after me, criticism will come. Say it again, criticism will come. Your task is to learn to get comfortable with it, so that it will not control you.  Be resolved to hear it without letting it hurt you.  I’ve had a few seasons in my life where it felt like no matter how hard I tried, I was too much and not enough all at the same time. “You just need to be more loving. I need to know you care.” Followed by, “Why are you all up in my business? Stop asking me the hard questions, its off-putting!” Or this one, “You just need you to be more directive. I need to know you can lead me.” Followed by, “Stop being so demanding. You’re acting a little controlling.” If I had a nickel for every time I heard, “You need to be more vocal. We need you to speak up for what is right.” Followed by, “Why are you acting like you know it all? Godly women are quiet - learn to listen more.” Without realizing it, the fear of what other people think of us can both consume and control us. We always have to do something with our fear. 

Some fight. They run head on in the direction of the very thing that they are terrified of. I wish I was that person. Some respond with flight:. They run just as hard, but in the opposite direction from fear. I have done that more times than I can count. Many opt for the third option, freeze. We do nothing. Say nothing. Act on no dream. Take no risks. 

Allowing negative criticism from others to be the fuel to your actions and decisions, is about as useful as putting diesel fuel into an unleaded engine. Oh, you may keep on running for a second, but eventually you will stop moving altogether. If criticism has you bound up and you want to break free, it starts with remembering its roots: uncertainty, insecurity, and deceptivity.  

“If criticism has you bound up and you want to break free, you must remember its roots: uncertainty, insecurity, and deceptivity.”

Root #1 - Criticism is grown in the soil of uncertainty. People may criticize what they feel is unacceptable about you because they don’t know who they are themselves. It is far easier to find fault in someone else’s actions, than to be honest about the reasons behind our own inaction. If they were to stop pointing out everything that is wrong with those around them, they would be forced to do some deep soul-searching themselves. Who am I? Who has God called me to be? What risks do I have to take to be faithful to that calling? Those are big, scary questions to ask, let alone try and take action on living out. People who have moved from uncertainty to certainty regarding their God-given calling celebrate and champion the unique callings of those around them instead of criticizing them.

Root #2 - Criticism is grown in the soil of insecurity. People criticize most in others, what they dislike most about themselves. The flaws that people see in others, are usually correlated to the keen awareness they have regarding that which they see as most flawed within themselves. Classic projection. They feel safe and secure when they notice that someone has the same deficiencies they have. They no longer feel alone. But they are not emotionally healthy enough to be able to be honest that they too struggle, so instead they just critique the other person’s failures. People who have moved from insecurity to security in this area are able to be vulnerable with their weakness, failures, shortcomings and yes, even sin. They do not feel the need to pretend to be perfect while pointing the finger at other people’s imperfections. They lead with the strength of vulnerability and open the door of openness and honesty for others.

Root #3 - Criticism is grown in the soil of deceptivity. People are quick to criticize others when they have lost awareness about their own personal shortcomings. There are just some people who have deceived themselves into believing that they somehow have it all together and never make mistakes.  They falsely believe that if people would just be more like them, then the world would be as it should! This is a straight-up lie. As the disciple John, who had to work through his own fair-share of judgmental moments wrote, “If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.” (I Jn. 1:8). The more receptive you become of your need for God’s grace and forgiveness, the more self-deception fades away. When this happens, words of grace, not critique, are more apt to roll off the tongue.

“Remembering the root of criticism is ultimately a compassion building exercise.”

Ultimately, remembering the root of other people’s cutting critiques towards us is a compassion building exercise. It is a call to look below the surface. Sister Sophie is probably not trying to intentionally hurt you. If someone is dealing with uncertainty, insecurity, or confusion they are dealing with pain and we all have to do something with our pain – the easiest option is to displace it onto other people. As the old saying goes: hurt people, hurt people.

And let’s get real for a moment. If this is true of other people’s behavior towards us, we are not immune from us engaging in this behavior towards others. When you criticize others, is it possible you are doing so because you don’t know who you are or what you are called to do with your life? Or maybe you do know, and you are too afraid to take bold steps to live that out? When you criticize, are you really pointing out the very same imperfections of others that you dislike most about yourself? Have you deceived yourself by believing that you are better than you are? If you answered yes, it’s ok. We’ve all been there, but we don’t have to stay there. There is never a better time than now to root out criticism from the soil of your heart.